DIARY OF AN ADDICT:
SPATIAL DISORIENTATION
As an addict I am constantly being reminded to trust and use the tools of recovery:
“Work the steps”
“Make calls”
“Attend meetings regularly”
“Third-Step Prayer”
“Daily inventory”
Sometimes these reminders are frustrating. Why do I have to keep working the steps? Why should I make phone calls when everything is ok? Why does my life have to be reduced to a set of practices that constantly reminds me of what I am trying to escape from?
Why?
Two words: SPATIAL DISORIENTATION.
“Spatial disorientation” is what an aircraft pilot experiences when he flies into weather conditions that prevent him from being able see the horizon or the ground. Points of reference that guide his senses disappear. His perceptions become unreliable. He no longer is sure which way is up or down. It can be deadly.
The only way a pilot can overcome spatial disorientation is to be trained to read and trust his cockpit instruments to tell him what is real. That’s why flight instructors force student pilots to learn to fly planes by the instruments alone.
As an addict I have to recognize that my spirit suffers from spatial disorientation. My twisted perceptions keep me from recognizing what is really happening in my world. I do not know where the horizon lies and cannot recognize temptation when it crosses my field of vision.
As an addict, I have spent a life of trusting only myself to navigate life’s hazards. I have trusted myself and I have failed miserably.
To attain freedom, I must learn to trust in Christ. But I am stubborn. I am resistant to turn to anyone but myself. I may agree with Christ, but only after I have relied on my own thinking to reach that agreement. If this keeps up, I will never escape spatial disorientation.
So recovery brings a new set of tools: the 12 steps, meetings, sponsors, accountability partners, phone calls, daily prayer. If I cannot immediately learn to trust Christ, then I must learn to at least turn my trust to something other than myself. The tools of recovery are my flight instruments. I must learn to trust them even when I cannot see the horizon or the world around me. And to learn to trust them, I must practice using them every day – both good days and bad days.
So, yes, in some ways my life has been reduced to daily application of a set of spiritual tools. And, yes, this can be frustrating. But as an addict, I must remember that I am subject to spatial disorientation. I need to use and trust these tools or I will crash and burn!
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