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Posts Tagged ‘addict’

So what’s up with the Turtle?

I am happy to have returned to the blogospeher, even if not as regularly as I would like.  And I am happy to be praying, even if not as regularly as I’d like.  As a turtle, I move and change slowly.  My best hope is that movement is in the right direction.

Last week we took a roadtrip with my youngest daughter.  She loves elephants, so we drove to Kansas City and saw elephants.  I’ve never spent any time in Kansas City before.  It is a fun town with lots to see (besides elephants).  Lots of fountains and monuments, music and barbecue, shopping and museums.

I really enjoyed spending time with family and I know the time was good for me.

… and yet.

And yet I did act out.  There was some time when my wife and daughter left to do some swimming or shopping and I stayed behind.  And I acted out.  I looked at internet pornography while they were away.  

Very disappointing.  I wonder some times if I am even trying.  Don’t I want to get better?

Still … I am trying.

I am back at the office and trying to work daily prayer back into my life.  I am trying to check-in with accountability partners.  I am trying to be honest when I blog.

Lord Jesus,

Have mercy on me a sinner!  And grant me the grace to want to do what is right and the strength to surrender to what is right.  May my struggles bring you glory.

Amen.

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I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; you shall have no other gods before me.

+ Exodus 20:2-3

One of the ideas we have been examining in our Purity Platoon is intimacy with God. True intimacy with God leads to serenity, joy, and purity. False intimacy leads to acting out, sexual sin, and addiction.

My life has been filled with false intimacy. Rather than turning to God for my deepest needs, I turn to and rely on myself. I don’t trust God, I trust me.

Because of this reliance on self, I use behaviors and substances to meet my needs – needs that can only truly be met by God. I don’t have a true sense of self worth, so I continually try to prove to myself and others how valuable and/or significant I am. And to find acceptance, I will do what others want me to do.

That is false intimacy.

True intimacy begins with the understanding that God is God – He is the only source for meeting all of my needs and He has commanded me to have no other gods besides Him.

True intimacy with God means that I trust God alone to meet my deepest needs for the following:

  • Identity

  • Security & Protection

  • Significance & Value

  • Intimacy & Love

  • Provision

  • Direction

  • Acceptance

As I have noted before, there is a god-shaped hole in my heart and there is only one source for filling that hole – God Himself.  True intimacy with God is the way to fill the hole.

+++

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As I traveled for work this week, I was very grateful to have a new accountability partner.  Joe checked in with me each day while I was on the road and I returned clean and sober.

THANK YOU PHONE ACCOUNTABILITY!!!

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It was a great weekend in the Turtle’s hometown — a place where the women are strong, the men are good looking, and ALL of the children are above average!

Friday was a day off (since the Fourth was on a Saturday this year) and the Turtle took advantage of hot, summer weather. We took the dogs out for a walk in the morning, did some shopping for the holiday weekend, took our younger dog to the dog-park in the afternoon, and stopped at the library for some movies. The Turtle and his 12-yr old daughter have been working their way through Season 6 of Star Trek the Next Generation.

Saturday we went out into the heat and staked out a spot to watch Garrison Keillor do a live broadcast of Prairie Home Companion at Macalaster College in Saint Paul. It was very hot and very humid and also worth it. After the show we went to our usual spot for fireworks in Roseville, Minnesota.

Sunday was a hot, humid day of play rehearsal. The Turtle and his daughter are performing in a summer production of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and spent afternoon rehearsing in a gym with very little ventillation. The entire cast sweated through the four hour rehearsal. We are all much closer now!

We watched the Women’s World Cup and celebrated the victory over Japan! It was fun to watch both of my daughters get excited about women’s sports.

Sunday night we had thunderstorms and I did not get much sleep. So Monday is even tougher than usual this week. Monday’s are always tough. They are tougher after a holiday weekend. And they are really tough after a sleepless night.

Time to find a bottle of Diet Dew!!!

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RETURN OF THE TURTLE?

I really don’t know …

But I do know I have been struggling lately.  No, I haven’t gone off the deep-end into a series of acting-out episodes.  But I have been casually looking at pornography on the internet several times a week.  And that is not who I want to be.

Or do I?  Is it ok if I have this one vice if I manage everything else?  Part of me wants the answer to be “Yes.”  Part of me wants it to be normal, ok, and even healthy.  But my conscience doesn’t buy it.

So I am struggling.  I am wandering from the straight path.  But I am not wandering far enough to fell the exigency of the situation.  It might be better if I failed … bottomed out … found out how serious this problem is.  Then I might be ready for surrender.

But today … today I still believe I can handle it.  I can be in control.  I am a man and I am strong. Today I see surrender as weakness.

But in my heart I know that surrender is the strongest thing a man could do.  Admit my weakness and walk in the light.

Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!

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No matter what comes out of those gates, we have a better chance of surviving if we stay together.

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Practice Visual Purity with Other Women

To set up your first defense perimeter with your eyes, you want to employ the strategy of bouncing your eyes and starving your eyes. … Let’s first consider bouncing. You can win this battle by training your eyes to ‘bounce’ away from sights of pretty women and sensual images. If you ‘bounce your eyes’ for six weeks, you can win this war. … When your eyes bounce toward a woman, they must bounce away immediately.

– Arterburn & Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle

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