Posts Tagged ‘life’

So what’s up with the Turtle?

I am happy to have returned to the blogospeher, even if not as regularly as I would like.  And I am happy to be praying, even if not as regularly as I’d like.  As a turtle, I move and change slowly.  My best hope is that movement is in the right direction.

Last week we took a roadtrip with my youngest daughter.  She loves elephants, so we drove to Kansas City and saw elephants.  I’ve never spent any time in Kansas City before.  It is a fun town with lots to see (besides elephants).  Lots of fountains and monuments, music and barbecue, shopping and museums.

I really enjoyed spending time with family and I know the time was good for me.

… and yet.

And yet I did act out.  There was some time when my wife and daughter left to do some swimming or shopping and I stayed behind.  And I acted out.  I looked at internet pornography while they were away.  

Very disappointing.  I wonder some times if I am even trying.  Don’t I want to get better?

Still … I am trying.

I am back at the office and trying to work daily prayer back into my life.  I am trying to check-in with accountability partners.  I am trying to be honest when I blog.

Lord Jesus,

Have mercy on me a sinner!  And grant me the grace to want to do what is right and the strength to surrender to what is right.  May my struggles bring you glory.


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Today was knee surgery for the turtle.

After months of experiencing pain when running, and after aborting my training and giving up on this year’s Twin Cities Marathon, I finally went to an orthopedic doctor to have my knee looked at. I had a tear in the cartilege in my right knee.

So today I had orthoscopic knee surgery. So far recovery is going fine and I am really optimistic about being able to run again next year.

Let’s keep our fingers crossed!

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Greetings from the long absent Turtle!

I have been away on a wonderful family vacation to Washington, DC.  It was a wonderful experience!  We piled ourselves and four children into the family mini-van and spent lots of “quality time” together driving out and while in DC.

I am happy and grateful to report that it has also been a time of continued purity.  Even my eyes remained disciplined throughout the trip.  This was especially important given the hot summer weather.

For those who have checked-in while I was away — Thank you!

I hope to return to a more regular cycle of blogging.


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It is April in Minnesota. Clocks have been moved one-hour forward, the sun is out, and it is all of 38 degrees. Yet on this clear, spring day, the addict has lost his sense of direction.

The road to recovery seems to lead nowhere to the addict. If recovery is the only goal, then life has little meaning. The addict has been told time and again that recovery must be his number one priority. Perhaps his only priority.

How difficult life becomes, then, when the addict slips. If recovery is all there is, then the addict will feel even greater shame upon failure to stay clean and sober. And if recovery is all there is, sobriety seems empty.

The addict knows that sobriety is only one goal among many. In his heart, the addict knows that life, family, work, and relationships all hold greater ultimate importance than sobriety. Yet all of these will suffer if the addict does not work for recovery. Still, recovery cannot be the only goal.

Addiction is a symptom–a symptom of a larger woundedness. Sobriety without healing of the woundedness will not last. Sobriety alone won’t heal the addict and won’t give the addict the direction and meaning he is looking for.

Still, the addict feels somewhat incapable of focusing on more than one goal at a time–especially when the goal is one which requires such a strong committment and such devotion from the addict. Is there time for the addict to focus on other goals? Recovery already takes two meetings a week, several daily phone calls, blogging, and prayer. With work and family committments, how much more time is there? Does the addict have time for personal hobbies, friendships, chores, and personal projects? Time never seems to be abundant.

Yet there must be balance. Life cannot be about recovery alone. Life must be about family, friends, work, and fun! Life must include time dedicated to the creator and giver of life! Life must include walks with a lover, laughs with a friend, hugs with children!

Oh, addict! Can you make room for all of these things? Would you have recovery and not have the others? Can you have the others and not have recovery?

The addict is a wounded soul. The addict is ill-equipped to deal with Life’s demands. Can the addict find direction, time, and balance?

Go, addict, go!

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The Turtle has been away.

The Turtle was out of town for three days.

The Turtle was in South Dakota.

The Turtle was not alone …

I had a chance this past weekend to take my two children from my first marriage and go to Watertown, South Dakota for a three-day weekend.  Why Watertown?  My son had a Tae Kwon Do tournament.

As I look back at this experience, I am really really really really grateful.  I am grateful for many things:

+ I was able to fully enjoy the weekend and fully experience this time with my children; I did not have the usual anxiety about keeping us busy and I did not feel the need to “escape” from the situation.

+ I was able to express my love to each of my children through the gifts of quality time, acts of service, affirmations, and physical touch; I really felt a heightened ability to show each of them my love for them.

+ I got to watch my son do something he enjoys and experience success while doing it.

+ I got to play games against and interact with my daughter one-on-one.

While my Battle for Purity hasn’t been perfect, I am beginning to see the positive impact of that Battle on other aspects of my life.  This weekend I got to see myself as a better father.  Without the overpowering pull of sexual temptation, I was able to spend time with and be fully present to my children.

Praise to Jesus who makes all these things possible!!!

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Yesterday was the Great Crash of 2009. D-Monk’s work computer was hit by a virus [“sysguard.com”] and crashed hard. I am amazed that a virus this reckless could get past the IT security set in place for one of the fifteen largest countries in the world, but it did.

And my luck was BAD. My boss’ computer was hit by the very same virus last week, and while it pretty much wiped out her hard drive, the IT department was able to recover most of her files. Not so for me. My data is all gone.

And, unfortunately, because my work computer is a laptop, I have been in the habit of storing lots of personal files on the computer. So I have lost a significant portion of our family’s pictures from the past two years (maybe more).

And then there is the time loss. I can’t do my job without a computer. I research, write, and answer questions via telephone and e-mail. I do ALL on the computer. So yesterday was a completely lost day. The computer crashed at 10:00am and I did not get a replacement computer until 4:00pm. On the plus side — I now have a very clean office!!

This morning has been mostly lost time as well. I have spent the morning configuring my new computer, re-establishing links and other preferences for the internet, and installing software. Soon I will have to return to being a productive member of society and get some of my work done.

But I am grateful today. Grateful that all I lost was information. Grateful for an IT department that could get me a replacement lap top. Grateful that nothing vital was lost. Grateful that I am still employed by a company I love working for.

Yesterday it was Crash & Burn.

Today it is Rise from the Ashes!


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The double whammy of media-generated standard-of-living anxiety and debt pressure is enormously depressing. Not only do we have the tension of not reaching the lifestyle we set as our goal, we have the pressure of the debt we accumulated trying to get there. The debt makes us bitter and angry because we realize we played the part of a fool and deceived ourselves. Not only that, our relationships end up fractured.

– Patrick Morley, The Man in the Mirror, 33-34 (1997)

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