Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘surrender’

WHAT IS A HERO?


When the house fell asleep
there was always a light
And it fell from the page
to the eyes of an American boy
In a storybook land
I could dream what I read
When it went to my head
I’d see:

I wanna be a hero

—Steve Taylor, “Hero” (Meltdown, 1984)

*****

“Here I come to save the day!”

—Mighty Mouse

*****

“Out here, due process is a bullet.”

—John Wayne (as Col. Michael Kirby in The Green Berets)

*****

And you didn’t say a word
when they accused you
You did not fight back
when the whole world used you

When hate was crowned King
and love was diminished
You stood meek as a lamb there
without blemish

And they laughed when you cried out
“It is finished”

You lay down
You lay down

—Terry Taylor, “You Lay Down” (1998)

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

RETURN OF THE TURTLE?

I really don’t know …

But I do know I have been struggling lately.  No, I haven’t gone off the deep-end into a series of acting-out episodes.  But I have been casually looking at pornography on the internet several times a week.  And that is not who I want to be.

Or do I?  Is it ok if I have this one vice if I manage everything else?  Part of me wants the answer to be “Yes.”  Part of me wants it to be normal, ok, and even healthy.  But my conscience doesn’t buy it.

So I am struggling.  I am wandering from the straight path.  But I am not wandering far enough to fell the exigency of the situation.  It might be better if I failed … bottomed out … found out how serious this problem is.  Then I might be ready for surrender.

But today … today I still believe I can handle it.  I can be in control.  I am a man and I am strong. Today I see surrender as weakness.

But in my heart I know that surrender is the strongest thing a man could do.  Admit my weakness and walk in the light.

Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!

Read Full Post »

I spent much of last year looking into the jaws of the Lion, but still avoiding them. Surrendered to his teeth? But that meant … death. Not just a wound. Not even just a deep cut. Giving myself to the teeth of the Lion would mean the end of me.

The. End. Of. Me.

And that is when I began to see that that was precisely what he wanted. The end of me. The end of my goodness. The end of my righteousness. He wanted me dead. Not dying. Dead.

For only what is dead can be resurrected.

+ Jeff Dunn, “Surrendering to His Teeth” (1/20/2011)

Read Full Post »

Photobucket

As an addict, my life of ups and downs continues. But overall I am hopeful and feel a sense of optimism. My episodes of acting out are less frequent and the degree to which I have been acting out has been less severe. As they sometimes say in SAA – the goal is progress, not perfection (although I would really like to reach for perfection on most days).

This past week has been a good one and the key word has been “surrender.” We discussed the need for surrender during the Friday morning call of our S.A.L.T. group. Sometimes the real strength comes from surrendering our pain and struggles to Christ – our strength and our savior.

So how am I doing this week?

Physically:

I am feeling great. The positive effects of training for and running the Twin Cities Marathon are still with me. My knee has fully recovered from last year’s surgery and I feel lighter and healthier than in a long time.

Emotionally:

I am feeling a sense of serenity this week. I have been able to focus better at work and I feel better connected with Beth. I also have some anxiousness and fear – especially around finances. And I occasionally feel lonely and isolated.

Spiritully:

Spiritually I would say I am feeling “not as dry.” For a long time now I have been battling a sense of spiritual dryness; a lack of connection with God and a lack of desire for prayer or worship. But with an increased avocation for surrender I have found an increasing sense of spiritual conection. Still, I feel far from the full blown spiritual life that I yearn for (and that I feel is expected of me as a Christian).

Read Full Post »

Lord God:

I am powerless to be the man of purity I so desperately want to be. I want to be in control and show how strong I am. But all of the strength belongs to you Lord. And so I surrender …

Read Full Post »

Photobucket

My deal with God is simple today – he takes care of the abstinence; I take care of meetings, phone, and asking for help. In a way, I had an improper use of will for a long time. Trying to will myself not to act out never worked. But what I could will myself to do was to go to meetings, pick up the phone, and ask for God’s help.

+ SAA Green Book, 195

I have been struggling lately (how many of my check-ins star this way???). I started attending Wednesday Night SAA meetings to help with the process of surrender. I know that I cannot win the Battle for Purity on my own, and I have also learned that surrender and obedience are part of the formula for success for me. I need to be able to offer my obedience to something as an act of surrender. I cannot get this from my SALT Group because I am one of the leaders. So I went back to SAA (and still participate in weekly check-ins with my SALT Brothers).

Going to these weekly meetings has been helpful. I take off of my shoulders the responsibility for determining what is needed to stay sober and surrender to the guidance of the group. I take away from myself the right to be the judge of what is appropriate. I acknowledge that I am powerless over my addictive sexual behavior and that my life is unmanageable when I try to control it.

But lately I have been bothered by part of the meeting. Each week we check-in with whether or not we have had a sober week. And almost every week I have to confess that I have not had a sober week.

This didn’t use to bother me as much, but it has really bothered me lately. I want to be able to tell the group that I have come a long way, that my acting out isn’t what it used to be, and that my slips are only once a week as opposed to week long binges. I want to be able to say that I have been “mostly sober.”

For the past two weeks this issue has bothered me so much that I have skipped the meetings.

That’s a mistake!!!

Yesterday was a meeting day. I started the day making the decision that I wasn’t going to attend because I had a single slip last week. Then I acted out again yesterday. This is a cycle that is going to rob me of my life. I have to surrender. NOW!!!

So it is time to go back to the basics.

It is time for the Serenity Prayer. I surrender what I cannot control – my addictive sexual behavior. I take responsibility for the things I can change – going to meetings, making phone calls, asking for help. And I give thanks to God for the grace that he gives.

Read Full Post »

I spent much of last year looking into the jaws of the Lion, but still avoiding them. Surrendered to his teeth? But that meant … death. Not just a wound. Not even just a deep cut. Giving myself to the teeth of the Lion would mean the end of me.

The. End. Of. Me.

And that is when I began to see that that was precisely what he wanted. The end of me. The end of my goodness. The end of my righteousness. He wanted me dead. Not dying. Dead.

For only what is dead can be resurrected.

+ Jeff Dunn, “Surrendering to His Teeth” (1/20/2011)

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »