Posts Tagged ‘turtle’

So what’s up with the Turtle?

I am happy to have returned to the blogospeher, even if not as regularly as I would like.  And I am happy to be praying, even if not as regularly as I’d like.  As a turtle, I move and change slowly.  My best hope is that movement is in the right direction.

Last week we took a roadtrip with my youngest daughter.  She loves elephants, so we drove to Kansas City and saw elephants.  I’ve never spent any time in Kansas City before.  It is a fun town with lots to see (besides elephants).  Lots of fountains and monuments, music and barbecue, shopping and museums.

I really enjoyed spending time with family and I know the time was good for me.

… and yet.

And yet I did act out.  There was some time when my wife and daughter left to do some swimming or shopping and I stayed behind.  And I acted out.  I looked at internet pornography while they were away.  

Very disappointing.  I wonder some times if I am even trying.  Don’t I want to get better?

Still … I am trying.

I am back at the office and trying to work daily prayer back into my life.  I am trying to check-in with accountability partners.  I am trying to be honest when I blog.

Lord Jesus,

Have mercy on me a sinner!  And grant me the grace to want to do what is right and the strength to surrender to what is right.  May my struggles bring you glory.



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It was a great weekend in the Turtle’s hometown — a place where the women are strong, the men are good looking, and ALL of the children are above average!

Friday was a day off (since the Fourth was on a Saturday this year) and the Turtle took advantage of hot, summer weather. We took the dogs out for a walk in the morning, did some shopping for the holiday weekend, took our younger dog to the dog-park in the afternoon, and stopped at the library for some movies. The Turtle and his 12-yr old daughter have been working their way through Season 6 of Star Trek the Next Generation.

Saturday we went out into the heat and staked out a spot to watch Garrison Keillor do a live broadcast of Prairie Home Companion at Macalaster College in Saint Paul. It was very hot and very humid and also worth it. After the show we went to our usual spot for fireworks in Roseville, Minnesota.

Sunday was a hot, humid day of play rehearsal. The Turtle and his daughter are performing in a summer production of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and spent afternoon rehearsing in a gym with very little ventillation. The entire cast sweated through the four hour rehearsal. We are all much closer now!

We watched the Women’s World Cup and celebrated the victory over Japan! It was fun to watch both of my daughters get excited about women’s sports.

Sunday night we had thunderstorms and I did not get much sleep. So Monday is even tougher than usual this week. Monday’s are always tough. They are tougher after a holiday weekend. And they are really tough after a sleepless night.

Time to find a bottle of Diet Dew!!!

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The Turtle has been on the move.


Life is filled with change.  Some good, some bad, all stressful.


And the Turtle has been through change.  


After nine years of working with a great company, I have moved on to a new opportunity.  Life is different here.  I am more engaged in my new work and I no longer have an office.  This is a good change for an addict … no place to hide.


New work, new friends, new opportunities.  And it looks like it will be easier for me to blog here (no security filters stopping me from blogging suring the day).


So how has the Turtle been?


That’s always a complicated question for an addict.  I haven’t acted out for a long time.  But I also have not been connecting with my accountability partners.  This puts me in a dangerous place … I seem to be back to doing it on my own.  That’s no place for an addict.


But I feel so busy.  And I feel so exposed.  So many people sit so close to me, how can I make a call to check-in?  Won’t people hear what I am checking in about?  Won’t they all figure out I am a sex addict?  Won’t that end any chance I have of making friends and fitting in?


Those are my excuses for not reaching out.  They are weak … and so am I.


Pray for the Addict!

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S T U M B L E D 


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(Repeat Post)

It sometimes comes as a shock to realize that other people have actually read your page. Such a shock was visited upon the addict this week when he changed his avatar to a turtle.

The overwhelming response from D-Monk’s underwhelmed readers:

“Why the turtle?”

The turtle has become a symbol of recovery for the addict. This is due to one of the addict’s most over-used and unhealthy coping tools — isolation.

Keep in mind that this addict, like other addicts, labors under a false view of the world. The cycle of addiction is fed by the following beliefs:

1. I am a bad and worthless person.
2. Nobody who knows the truth about me can love me.
3. Nobody will care for me.
4. I must care for myself.

Upon reaching step 4, the addict usually takes care of his needs (stress, guilt, anxiety) by acting out through his addiction. The consequences of acting out are that the addict feels shame.

Hence, the cycle begins again:

1. I am a bad and worthless person ….

Acting out is one response to this terrible set of false beliefs. Another response (and one that can be combined with acting out) is to isolate. The addict uses isolation all the time.

The addict’s tendancy to isolation has been described by some who care for him as “turtling” (i.e., when faced with adversity, sadness, emotional contact, etc., the addict will withdraw).
Rather than argue, this addict goes into his shell.
Rather than solve a problem, this addict retreats from the world.

In short,
when the going gets tough,
the addict “turtles.”

So given that the addict has a natural tendancy to act like a turtle, he has taken an increased interest in the turtle as a symbol in recovery. If the addict emulates a turtle in unhealthy ways, what are some healthy ways of being turtle-like?

Already people are sharing positive turtle traits with the addict!

Turtles are deliberate. Slow and steady. The turtle is a symbol of earth. Turtles are rooted to the earth and connected to earth power.

The turtle is a unique creature. Turtles live on water and on land. Turtles are slow, but revered.

And so the addict (at least for now) is choosing to embrace the turtle as a recovery totem. I will do my best to learn the positive ways of the turtle and to forgo the act of isolation which has dominated my turtle past.


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Another step taken.

Another step taken in this journey.

Another step in this journey of steps.

One journey.

Twelve steps.


The Turtle has been away .. away from blogging … away from the journey … on sabbatical.

The Turtle has been away because it is hard to find time to blog when there is no access to blogging while at work. The Turtle has been away because the journey is difficult and it is not always easy to recognize progress. The Turtle has been away because he is going through a dry spell. Spiritual dryness.

But there is reason to celebrate! After going through the pain of knee surgery and the loss of running as a source of exercise and meditation, I have returned to health. The return to running reached its culmination with this past Sunday’s Twin Cities Marathon. I not only was able to participate and finish, I actually set a personal best time!!!

So now I feel like it’s time to return to blogging and participating more actively in this journey of steps that we all “recovery.” I am a sex addict who struggles with internet pornography and this blog is a tool I use to journal for my own development and to share my story with others.

It has been month’s since I have been on this blog. What has happened? Have I abandoned the Battle for Purity? Have I relapsed? Or has my recovery become complete?

No … no … and no.

Generally speaking, the journey has continued. I continue to struggle for purity and I continue to have ups and downs in that struggle. I can look back over the past year and see progress … but not perfection. The frequency of acting out with pornography has been declining. But I am nowhere close to the goal of purity to which I aspire.

That’s what makes this road so difficult. I want to be better … I want to no longer have the urge to act out. Anything less than purity or sobriety is a great disappointment to me. But I cannot let this disappointment turn into despair. I cannot let the absence of perfection lead to a willingness to give up altogether. Jesus came to this world, took on the form of humanity, and surrendered his life that I might be restored. My job is to keep fighting to be the man He calls me to be … especially when it is hard.

So here I am. A Turtle in recovery. A Turtle who seems to be always short of the goal. But a Turtle who will keep moving toward the goal.

One step at a time.

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What if I stumble, what if I fall?

What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?

Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?

What if I stumble?

And what if I fall?

– DC Talk, “What if I Stumble?

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