Checking-In

So what’s up with the Turtle?

I am happy to have returned to the blogospeher, even if not as regularly as I would like.  And I am happy to be praying, even if not as regularly as I’d like.  As a turtle, I move and change slowly.  My best hope is that movement is in the right direction.

Last week we took a roadtrip with my youngest daughter.  She loves elephants, so we drove to Kansas City and saw elephants.  I’ve never spent any time in Kansas City before.  It is a fun town with lots to see (besides elephants).  Lots of fountains and monuments, music and barbecue, shopping and museums.

I really enjoyed spending time with family and I know the time was good for me.

… and yet.

And yet I did act out.  There was some time when my wife and daughter left to do some swimming or shopping and I stayed behind.  And I acted out.  I looked at internet pornography while they were away.  

Very disappointing.  I wonder some times if I am even trying.  Don’t I want to get better?

Still … I am trying.

I am back at the office and trying to work daily prayer back into my life.  I am trying to check-in with accountability partners.  I am trying to be honest when I blog.

Lord Jesus,

Have mercy on me a sinner!  And grant me the grace to want to do what is right and the strength to surrender to what is right.  May my struggles bring you glory.

Amen.

Read Full Post »

Longing for Intimacy

I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; you shall have no other gods before me.

+ Exodus 20:2-3

One of the ideas we have been examining in our Purity Platoon is intimacy with God. True intimacy with God leads to serenity, joy, and purity. False intimacy leads to acting out, sexual sin, and addiction.

My life has been filled with false intimacy. Rather than turning to God for my deepest needs, I turn to and rely on myself. I don’t trust God, I trust me.

Because of this reliance on self, I use behaviors and substances to meet my needs – needs that can only truly be met by God. I don’t have a true sense of self worth, so I continually try to prove to myself and others how valuable and/or significant I am. And to find acceptance, I will do what others want me to do.

That is false intimacy.

True intimacy begins with the understanding that God is God – He is the only source for meeting all of my needs and He has commanded me to have no other gods besides Him.

True intimacy with God means that I trust God alone to meet my deepest needs for the following:

• Identity

• Security & Protection

• Significance & Value

• Intimacy & Love

• Provision

• Direction

• Acceptance

As I have noted before, there is a god-shaped hole in my heart and there is only one source for filling that hole – God Himself.  True intimacy with God is the way to fill the hole.

+++

Read Full Post »

Accountability on the Road

As I traveled for work this week, I was very grateful to have a new accountability partner.  Joe checked in with me each day while I was on the road and I returned clean and sober.

THANK YOU PHONE ACCOUNTABILITY!!!

Read Full Post »

Word from the Battle: Dedication to Purity

As men of the Purity Platoon, we dedicate ourselves to the Lord Jesus Christ whose Spirit is a Holy Spirit and whose job it is to produce holiness in His Bride.

Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.

+ 2 Corinthians 7:1

Read Full Post »

Checking In (… after another year)

RETURN OF THE TURTLE?

I really don’t know …

But I do know I have been struggling lately.  No, I haven’t gone off the deep-end into a series of acting-out episodes.  But I have been casually looking at pornography on the internet several times a week.  And that is not who I want to be.

Or do I?  Is it ok if I have this one vice if I manage everything else?  Part of me wants the answer to be “Yes.”  Part of me wants it to be normal, ok, and even healthy.  But my conscience doesn’t buy it.

So I am struggling.  I am wandering from the straight path.  But I am not wandering far enough to fell the exigency of the situation.  It might be better if I failed … bottomed out … found out how serious this problem is.  Then I might be ready for surrender.

But today … today I still believe I can handle it.  I can be in control.  I am a man and I am strong. Today I see surrender as weakness.

But in my heart I know that surrender is the strongest thing a man could do.  Admit my weakness and walk in the light.

Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!

Read Full Post »

Battle Quote – Need to Stick Together

No matter what comes out of those gates, we have a better chance of surviving if we stay together.

Read Full Post »

Return to Boot Camp: Visual Purity

Practice Visual Purity with Other Women

To set up your first defense perimeter with your eyes, you want to employ the strategy of bouncing your eyes and starving your eyes. … Let’s first consider bouncing. You can win this battle by training your eyes to ‘bounce’ away from sights of pretty women and sensual images. If you ‘bounce your eyes’ for six weeks, you can win this war. … When your eyes bounce toward a woman, they must bounce away immediately.

– Arterburn & Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle

Read Full Post »

Turtle on the Move

A TURTLE’S DAY

Whew!

 

The Turtle has been on the move.

 

Life is filled with change.  Some good, some bad, all stressful.

 

And the Turtle has been through change.  

 

After nine years of working with a great company, I have moved on to a new opportunity.  Life is different here.  I am more engaged in my new work and I no longer have an office.  This is a good change for an addict … no place to hide.

 

New work, new friends, new opportunities.  And it looks like it will be easier for me to blog here (no security filters stopping me from blogging suring the day).

 

So how has the Turtle been?

 

That’s always a complicated question for an addict.  I haven’t acted out for a long time.  But I also have not been connecting with my accountability partners.  This puts me in a dangerous place … I seem to be back to doing it on my own.  That’s no place for an addict.

 

But I feel so busy.  And I feel so exposed.  So many people sit so close to me, how can I make a call to check-in?  Won’t people hear what I am checking in about?  Won’t they all figure out I am a sex addict?  Won’t that end any chance I have of making friends and fitting in?

 

Those are my excuses for not reaching out.  They are weak … and so am I.

 

Pray for the Addict!

Read Full Post »

Living the Yo-Yo Life

REPEAT POST: THE YO-YO

“I am the Yo-Yo,” says the Addict.

Yes … life has ups and downs, and so does addiction. The Addict looks for a life where that is not the case, but it seems inescapeable.

The past few weeks have continued to be a yo-yo for the addict:

Struggles with acting out.
Mystical insights.
New resolve.
Victory.
Acting out again.
Despair.
New resolve.
New inspiration.

Up and down goes the addict.

Yo-yo.

The yo-yo can also be a symbol for the addict’s tools for coping: addiction and isolation.

Y.O.Y.O.

Your On Your Own.

That’s the addict. He’s on his own. Why? Because his core beliefs tell him that this must be so.

The addict struggles with the following core beliefs about himself:

1. The addict is a bad and worthless person.
2. Anyone who learns the truth about the addict will reject and abandon the addict.
3. No one else will take care of the addict’s needs.

YOYO.

Is it any wonder the addict feels alone most of the time. The addict cannot believe that any other option exists. He is worthless, all others will abandon him, and only he can care for himself.

YOYO.

If there is to be any hope for the addict, he must toss away his yo-yo. He must adopt new beliefs about himself and about the people around him. He must be willing to accept help from others and he must be willing to take the risk to open himself up to others. Yes … healing for the addict must come from facing his deepest fear: he must reveal the truth about himself even though he believes that anyone who knows the truth about him will reject him.

Oh, addict …
How can you face such dangers?

Oh, addict …
How can you continue as a yo-yo?

Oh, addict …
What will you do?

Read Full Post »

Battle Verse – How Can the Young Stay Pure?

How can those who are young keep their way pure?
By living according to your word.

I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.

I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.

+ Psalm 119:9-11

Read Full Post »